After comments

[smee]

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Hi there I have finished my first short and would love some feed back and comments

</font><center>Cstrike my short click here for website then click on logo. [img]smile.gif[/img] </center>

Im planning to do another project and can do with the assistance.

Many thanks.

[belovedmonster]

impressive opening shots

but you might wanna check your editing, there are some unintentional jump cuts in particular during the first time he is with his friend.

the whole computer game sequence had me wanting to fast fwd to be honest, firstly, the dude goes through all the keys for the game... this might of been some attempt for realism but i dont wanna watch him explain all the controls!

another critism would be i dont think you have enough camera cuts... there are pionts when you are using a long/mid shot when if you cut to a close up it would be more effective, and there are other pionts where there are two speaking but it only shows one of them... you need to cut to the other even if its just reaction shots.

id also say that at 20 minutes the film is a little long to sustain interest, and narrative wise i would of prefered to of seen more of him doing the counterstrike stuff for real rather than the one little bit just before the twist at the end.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ July 14, 2003 09:42 AM: Message edited by: belovedmonster ]</font>

[smee]

Thanks for the comment's.

There is a crossfade with the being bike ride, but it's shouldnt be jumpy.

the whole computer game sequence had me wanting to fast fwd to be honest, firstly, the dude goes through all the keys for the game... this might of been some attempt for realism but i dont wanna watch him explain all the controls!

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I kept the keyboard control bit cause i like the bunny hands bit, thought he looked funny. [img]smile.gif[/img] . But it was to try and show Alex being a newbie.

Strange that you wanted the more game sequences I was trying to keep it away from just being a game demo. and just filming the back of the head of a game player didn't appeal to me. The film's more about addiction, and excess, than just playing CS

I cut as much reations shot's cause i didnt want to go above 20mins for my first shortie.

im sorry you didnt seem to enjoy it. But thanks for constructive comments. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[deanl]

Hey there.

First of all well done for getting this done. It's good to see someone dealing with real issues as apose to just blood and guts kind of stuff.

It could have been more intresting visualy, had a few more set ups and be a little more cutty. It may have movied things a bit quicker. but it did the job fine. I liked the story and found it quite funny at parts. Especialy when she comes home and he has a new TV.

I too think it is a little too long. I think you could have cut 5 minutes out of that easy and still said what you wanted to say.

But for a first attempt I think its a very solid and well done short film. Well done dude. Keep it up and show us more.

What did you shoot on? How long did it take to shoot? What did you edit on? What was the budget? How long did it take from start to finish? Any chance you could post your original script.

Wel done man.

Despin out.

[SoulJacker]

Disappointed? Where are the zombies?

[smee]

What did you shoot on?
Ive got a Cannon XL1, I dont use it that much and wanted to put some use to it. Learnt that you have to remember to turn of the AF switch, not just the camera setting.

How long did it take to shoot?
shooting was done over about 6-8weeks, I it was hard to get time with DEN, and Georgina. a few hours every other week. ( not the ideal for shooting ) I suppose about 4hours over 4 different afternoon's. This is why a lack of reactions shot's It funny people wernt too interested in doing it, but after finishing this one people are more up for a second film.

What did you edit on?
Adobe Premier, and some after effects. my pc a games machine +2400 AMD 1 GB ram and Geforce4 2x 75gbs maxtor HD's. Learnt that you dont update your machine while trying to do a film project. Just from changing my machine put it on hold for like a month.

What was the budget?
No budget, had 1 set of builders light's from my DIY, and enough for the DONUT. Borrowed airgun and homemade blood.

How long did it take from start to finish?
Think totalled a long 6mth's. In the end i became sick of it. Due to not filming with everyone there meant that i had to piece every scene together. ( this i aint doing again )

Any chance you could post your original script.
I have to scan it again. I aint got the word doc at hand. It was more a shooting and scene guide. And me asking what i needed there and then Georgina was great with that. She's got a big mouth. hehe.

[belovedmonster]

i didnt want more game sequences in terms of him playing the game i wanted to see more in terms of him acting out for real being this commando dude with a gun. I guess that could spiol the ending somewhat as it would be more expected, but i think it would of been funny if he had done more, maybe before the woman leaves him he starts being in character all the time, like she says your tea is ready and he says "roger that". There could of been 101 funny little things you could of done had you pushed that angle more. Wearing shoe polish for camo face paint... i dunno... loads of things [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[miker]

pretty good first effort. maybe one day i'll post up my first short 8-?

firstly, there is no hook. because there is no hook that short seemed immensely long - i was thinking "why am i watching this" pretty much all the way through.

and if i got made redundant the first thing i'd do is take my tie off.

i thought there were some interesting montages, but again they seemed a little too laboured for not much payback.

and the final pay-off just isn't very satisfying. i thought for a moment that Jack was engineering the break-up so he could move in on the woman, i thought that was why he'd brought the laptop around earlier.

i'm also unsure how wise it is to include counterstrike as an integral part of the story without prior written consent from sierria (maybe you already had that?)

anyways, ignore me and keep at it. my advice for next time is to get a stronger script and a DoP.

[smee]

Well you watched it the whole way through which was enough of a hook, Your right the hook could be a lot stronger.

I just used the ending as a solution, to finish it. I did think about the possibility of romance between Jack and Joe. But that would have been a different focus on it.

The montages where the easiest bits. and I thought they allowed to show passage of time.

With regards got Sierra, no I didn?t seek permission. The demo's are made by me so they lose artistic right's over them. If they wanted to copy right everything then they wouldn?t give you the software to make demo's. ( but that's copyright, and im not into that for this forum.)

With regards to script's that's going to be a problem for a while till i find someone that's into writing as much as im into producing.

Thanks for you thought and view's.appreciated

[miker]

heh, heh. just grab a copy of exposure shorts vol. 2 DVD and do a critique of my short 'Ad Astra' to get even ;-)

you seriously want to be a producer? are you sure you're not a director in disguise?

it's just i have this pitch ...